my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
