Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
