She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
