at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
