haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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