I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize