I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
