make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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