Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
