cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
