They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
