Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
