so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
