I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
