Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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