So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
