Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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