Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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