You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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