i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
