He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
