Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
