this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
