just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
