Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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