apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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