I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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