I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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