At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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