My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
