There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
