I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize