She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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