I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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