I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
