I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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