I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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