you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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