Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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