How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
