why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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