Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize