She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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