well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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