Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
