I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
