I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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