I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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