he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
