maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
