id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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