I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
