My liver just broke up with me...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
