At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
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