Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
