Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
