A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
