I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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