i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
