All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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