garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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