How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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