I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
