I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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