My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
