Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
