You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
